Giant, Floating Mr. Potatohead to be New Pope

The world was shocked when the conclave of cardinals announced today, after the world’s shortest interregnum, that a giant, floating Mr. Potatohead was to be the next Pope.

“Well that was unexpected!” exclaimed Irish singer/bombastic pedant Bono, still under the impression that anyone cares what he thinks.

“All those people who have convinced themselves that they’re absolutely devastated can rest easy now and go about their daily business,” a Vatican spokespriest told reporters. “There’s a new Pope in da house!”

“Well, all us cardinals acknowledge that the Church is a bit of an anachronism,” the unnamed spokespriest responded when questioned on the unprecedented nature of the next head of the Catholic Church, “and a toy from the 1950s seemed the perfect way to express our anachronistic nature. Besides, anachronisms can be fun and we are in bad need of a makeover!”

“Plus, the idea of a movable face was very appealing to Church leaders,” he continued. “I think a face that never stays the same, that can be modified for any occasion, fits in well with the basic hypocrisy that underlies much of the Church’s teachings as practiced today, such as teachings that tell us to “love thy neighbour”, yet promote intolerance and hatred of homosexuals, while at the same time “turning the other cheek” to shocking examples of the sexual abuse of young boys by priests.”

“Remember, this is a Church that teaches equality for all, as long as ‘all’ doesn’t include women, gays, or survivors of abuse by priests, or people who support women or gays or survivors of abuse by priests. But most religions do that, so it’s really OK in the end … no pun intended! Hahahahahaha!”

“Plus, The Potatoheads were totally everybody’s favourite characters in “Toy Story”, even though they were, like, Jewish and everything, probably. We didn’t like that astronaut character. We thought he was a homosexual trying to sodomise that nice, young cowboy.”

When asked if he thought Catholics would have problems adapting to a giant, plastic toy as their new Pope, he responded that “true believers never lose their spirituality no matter what the outside influences of the world. Just like Job.”