(function() { (function(){function c(a){this.t={};this.tick=function(a,c,b){var d=void 0!=b?b:(new Date).getTime();this.t[a]=[d,c];if(void 0==b)try{window.console.timeStamp("CSI/"+a)}catch(l){}};this.tick("start",null,a)}var a;if(window.performance)var e=(a=window.performance.timing)&&a.responseStart;var h=0=b&&(window.jstiming.srt=e-b)}if(a){var d=window.jstiming.load;0=b&&(d.tick("_wtsrt",void 0,b),d.tick("wtsrt_","_wtsrt", e),d.tick("tbsd_","wtsrt_"))}try{a=null,window.chrome&&window.chrome.csi&&(a=Math.floor(window.chrome.csi().pageT),d&&0=c&&window.jstiming.load.tick("aft")};var f=!1;function g(){f||(f=!0,window.jstiming.load.tick("firstScrollTime"))}window.addEventListener?window.addEventListener("scroll",g,!1):window.attachEvent("onscroll",g); })();

April 26, 2005

Fairy Godperson

Versace / Image Hosted by ImageShack.usSuddenly I have a new job and an accompanying higher wage. This morning I had my old job. Poof! Now I have a new job without even applying or interviewing or, for that matter, any knowledge of an opening previous to this morning. I’m just that good at what I do, whatever that is.

I wish I could say the same about things like noses or furniture. This morning I had my old nose but poof! now I have a new, elegant and sexy shnoz. Or this morning I woke up on my old lumpy mattress but poof! now I have a comfy king-size bed with tiny heated or cooled contouring air pockets, depending on the season.

Or even, this morning I woke up with the old world full of hatred, violence, and cruelty but poof! now everyone sings "Kumbaya" and "If I Had a Hammer" for a living (although that would get a little grating after about fifteen minutes, but it's still better than reality).

But getting back the important me-centred universe, I wish I could say that this morning I had my old bank account but poof! now I have a new bank account with no service fees, a super-high interest rate, and an automatically self-replenishing balance so I won’t have to beg my parents to lend me money for May rent. That’s what I really wish right now. I suppose the new job will give me a hand with that for June. And maybe with the shnoz, even.

Update: I cut a big gash across my face while shaving, my knck-em-dead-on-the-first-day-of-new-job Versace tie needs ironing but my iron's broken, I can't find my take-away coffee mug, and there's a solid layer of cat fur sediment on every stitch of good clothing I own. It's a typical first morning of a new job.