Drilling Deep for Pride

I have been trying for almost a week to shed my cold. Many remedies have been attempted; many remedies have failed. Now, I had never previously considered trepanation, which the aesthetically pleasing and extremely well written “Trepanation Guide” defines as “the practice of making a hole in the skull in order to improve the brain pulsations and hence the overall well being”. Already it sounds like sound medical practice, no?And just why wouldn’t one want to bore a hole into one’s skull when one is feeling under the weather?

My endless cold shows no signs of departing any time soon. My mouth has tangy zest of throat lozenge permanently embedded in my taste buds. This made the Nepali dinner I had with my parents and best friend and nemesis AlefAlef a delicious mouthful. What could be more delightful than lamb tandoori seasoned with super-mentholated lozenge with extra nose flames? The mouth simply waters at the very idea.

And the litany continues. A cute boy told me I look “awful”, although he did promise to come over and make me matzo ball soup (my favourite!) if I’m not better this weekend, so all isn’t lost. Still, though!

My pharmacist warned me that decongestants are contra-indicated with another medication I take, and now I know why. So with no decongestants, I have had to settle for slathering a thick, snot-like substance that smells as if someone beat a few sugar plum faeries to death with candy canes and slowly boiled their corpses to produce this vile slime all over my torso. Ah! the soothing sensation of setting one’s chest on fire …

So I’m quite ready for an alternative solution. So let’s explore trepanation a little more. I already gave the definition above, but it sounds so good let’s see it again (remember, from the colourful and "no copy editor for us!" “Trepanation Guide”. “Trepanation is the practice of making a hole in the skull in order to improve the brain pulsations and hence the overall well being.” My word! I have no idea what brain pulsations are, but I’m already ready to be convinced. But the colour combinations of the site were so enchanting that I had no choice but to read on rather than just find my drill and away with my cold!

The guide warns how restricting the brain within that pesky protective skull coupled with the upright walking stance causes the “brainbloodvolume” to “plummet”. This, in turn, causes us to become “lethargic, estranged, depressed”. Could it be true? Was the blood gurgling away from my brain with every second of the day? Was there even any blood left in my brain at all? I ran to the mirror to see and even though my feet didn’t actually appear to have more blood than my head, I just knew it had to be true (the logic path of this may actually be its own proof!). Bad feet! Naughty, greedy, inconsiderate feet! Give my brain back its rightful blood!

But what’s to be done? Thankfully, there is a solution. I must merely drill a hole in my head and I’ll be “happier, more energetic and less prone to crippling bouts of ennui.” Ennui, you say. I do quite often find myself swooning dramatically on my divan, one limp wrist flung pathetically to my forehead while the other grasps weakly for the smelling salts. It would certainly be agreeable to put an end to all that!

But what of my cold? Can this trepanation help me with that? I continued to read through the bits with paragraphs as long as Moby Dick and figure references to diagrams that weren’t there. I didn’t happen to find anything specifically about colds, but I felt that colds would most certainly be alleviated by such a progressive procedure. I did however that there is an anti-trepanation conspiracy concocted by doctors and scientists because if they “recognized the benefit they would be obliged to announce to the world that upright walking humans need a hole in the head!” This was followed by an advert for “cheap discount airline tickets.”

But what clinched the deal for me was when I discovered that evidence of trepanation has been discovered in the Holy Land. They have proof that it was practised in Jericho around 4000 years ago, as well as one “further case”. If my ancestors practised it, then by all the good and mighty in this world! it’s good enough for me!

This is why I’m glad that the Orthodox Rabbinate, Muslim leaders, and Christian leaders have joined forces to condemn the World Pride Festival to be held in Jerusalem. You see, if there’s one thing looking to our past and only to our past teaches us, it’s that the world should be a static place where nothing should change, ever; a world where men are men, women are women, gays are unclean, anyone who doesn’t share one’s beliefs should be killed, and, finally, where drilling a hole in one’s skull is a really smart thing to do! That is why the world is in the happy, happy state it is in today!

But I don’t believe I require trepanning anymore. The thought that orthodox religious leaders will unite to condemn a tiny blip – in the grand scheme of things – of an activity that has nothing to do with them but will not unite to coax their followers out of a hideous cycle of anguish and bloodshed … well quite frankly, that scared the snot out of me.